Dr Kayden

Omegle is a very interesting website. Basically, it links you with a complete stranger and if they aren't an automated robot that wants to direct you to a hard-core sex website, you can end up having conversations with all sorts of different people.

I am quite fond of playing a completely improvised on the spot character on Omegle. I am vowing to never play the same person twice. Here is my first attempt, in a conversation I had with a Dr Kayden.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: My husband is asleep so I only have 5 minutes, so lets make this good ok?

Stranger: Okay!!!!(;

You: Ok great!

You: I'm 41 but look 22

You: honest

Stranger: I'm 35

You: Not a huge age gap then!

You: He's asleep upstairs

You: if he knew I was on here, he would go mental

You: So, tell me about yourself

Stranger: Well I am single good looking I work at a hospital as a Nero surgeon

You: wow!

You: a professional

You: you know how brains work

Stranger: Yes

You: I used to be an interior decorator

You: but I had to quit

Stranger: Why?

You: Now I just look after my garden

You: Because my husband won't let me work

You: he insists on being the man

You: He is a lawyer in the city

Stranger: Awww that sucks. And cool cool

You: it's not cool, hes a bastard

You: I want to chop his dick off

Stranger: Ohhhh. Why are you still with him then?

You: Because we have 2 kids and hes a good dad

You: just a lousy husband

Stranger: Ohhhh okay

You: btw

You: I'm not really 44

You: I'm 45

You: I feel like I need to be honest with you

You: I feel a bond to you

You: My Psychic crystals are shimmring

You: they like you

Stranger: Ohhh??

Stranger: Well good!

You: Where do you live?

Stranger: Cali. You?

You: California? Right, I'm booking a plane first thing in the morning

You: I live in Texas

Stranger: Oh!

You: Is it ok if I bring my kids?

Stranger: Yes California is resllynice

Stranger: Really nice*

You: Do you have a room for them both?

Stranger: no?

You: Ok, I'll have to just bring one then

Stranger: Ok

You: choosing is going to be difficult

Stranger: Mmhmm

You: You're so good for letting me come and stay with you

Stranger: Nooooo

You: No?

You: I thought it was settled

You: I come to Cali tomorrow

You: you pick me up

Stranger: You don't know why part o live in!!!

You: I'll call you when I get to the airport

Stranger: Good lick with that

Stranger: Luck*

You: Can I have your number now just in case?

Stranger: no

You: Ok, ill give you mine

Stranger: ????

You: Just a second

Stranger: Wtf

You: You're a doll

You: 1 scond

Stranger: Wttttfffffff

You: its 1832 615 2848

Stranger: nooo

You: I'll book the tickets for tomorrow morning

You: bring 1 kid

You: Bobby probably

Stranger: Have fun

You: Charlotte can be a brat

You: she likes her daddy more anyways

Stranger: Your a freak

You: I'm not

You: honestly

You: thats whay my husband says to me

You: but I'm really not

You: I just need out

You: a new life

Stranger: I wonder why!!??!?

You: in Cali

You: We could get married?

Stranger: No thank you

You: You could be Bobbys new neurosurgeon daddy

Stranger: Nopee

You: I thought we had something together

Stranger: Fuck you

You: Not until we're married

Stranger: Grooss I wouldn't want to

Stranger: Freeeeaaaak

You: Honey, you're no spring chicken. 35?

You: You could do with some mature lovin

Stranger: Gross

You: I'm 45, I know things

Stranger: Nasty

You: It aint nasty

You: you'd really be helping me out

You: If I stay here any longer I'm going to end up...

You: I dont know

You: cutting his dick off!

Stranger: Ok

You: Ok? So it's settled then?

Stranger: Nipe

Stranger: Nopr

Stranger: Nope!!!!

You: http://www.cheapflights.com/flights-to-california/from-texas/

You: I found some good deals online see

Stranger: Noooo noooo noooo

You: You call me tomorrow at about 7

You: and we can arrange a pick up time

You: My name is Paula by the way

You: whats yours?

Stranger: Fuck off psycho bitch!

You: Come on, you don't mean that

You: Bobby needs a new daddy

You: Hold on, I'll go and wake him up

You: We can leave tonight

You: Would that be better for you?

Stranger: You craaaaaaazzzzzy! Bitch!

You: you'll really like him

You: he's 12

You: Not the smartest boy, but boy howdy does he like runnin'

You: But you're a doctor right?

You: you can teach him up good

Stranger: Nope!!

You: What happened?

You: We hit it off so good

You: Now you're colder than a chicken butt in winter

You: Was it something I said?

You: Listen. I know what's puttin' you off

You: I'll come alone

You: Bobby and Charlotte will be fine with their daddy

Stranger: I done even know what to say u

Stranger: N

You: I'm literally about 2 clicks away from orderin' these here plane tickets so I need to know for sure that you're gonna be there

Stranger: Do it

You: 1 click away now hon

You: Really?

You: You'll be there?

You: at the airport

You: You'll call me right?

Stranger: Yes(:

You: It's done

You: I leave tomorrow at 12:40

You: I can't wait to meet you

You: This feels so right

You: Please, tell me your name

You: I'm gonna be landing in Fresno Airport

You: you can get there right?

You: Darlin?

Stranger: Ok its kayden

You: Aw Kayden!

You: that's a beautiful name

Stranger: Iknpw

You: How much money do you make Kayden?

Stranger: Alot

You: Hot dog!

Stranger: Mmhmm

You: Shit

You: I can hear Keith

You: He's calling out in his sleep again

Stranger: Uh oh

You: I hate the bastard, but I think you saved his dick Kayden

Stranger: Ok

You: Remember to call me about 7 ok hon?

Stranger: Alright

You: Goodnight Kayden, my sweet prince

Stranger: Goodnight

You: I love you

Stranger: Umm?

And that was our conversation. Pretty special wasn't it? Now I can develop that into a script, sell the rights to Universal Pictures and secure a big fancy pay cheque as a screen writer in Hollywood.  

Fortunes

Chinese food is pretty horrible really. Well, not "Chinese Food" as having never been to China I have no idea what that tastes like. What I mean by "Chinese Food" is greasy, wobbly, wet things in a clear plastic container, bought from a very dimly lit, tile walled, fruit machine inhabiting establishment. I do find that sort of food horrible, but in a sort of strangely addictive, sort of nice, horrible way. Anyway, the best part about eating it is getting one of these

It's called a Fortune Cookie, although it's neither a cookie, nor is it capable of telling your fortune in any conceivable way. They do taste nice though, unless a piece gets stuck in your throat and it scratches your windpipe. This is me holding the fortune cookie I got this evening

As you can no doubt see, I've gone and taken a picture of it BEFORE I knew what the message was inside. Am I psychic? Did I know in advance that it's message would be humorous enough to warrant a blog entry on the subject? Well, no. If I was psychic I wouldn't need a fortune cookie in the first place would I? The truth is, I took a picture of it because I pre-empted the possibility of the fortune cookie having a half humorous message inside because I knew if I opened it and then the message was funny enough for a blog, I would have wasted an opportunity to have a photo of it proving it, or something.

Anyway, I did eventually crack it open, see:

Now, I know by now the suspense is probably killing you so here's what it said

I'm not really sure what this means. Did the person who came up with this one think (like me) that planning in advance for the inevitable was the best route to go down? They might have predicted that the person buying the take-away would have been so excited about their fortune cookie that they would open it before they got home, maybe even while driving a car. Imagine then that they opened it to reveal they weren't going the wrong way home but were instead going in the right direction, thank God.

However it's probably most likely that they just keep the fortunes vague to avoid accountability for their supposed prophesies.

Maybe.

Halloween - Part 2

Choosing that perfect Halloween costume can be a real pain in the fanny. You want to be original with it, not just lazily buy some half arsed ebay piss fabric, but times are hard and your brainpower is limited. It's not your fault you're an idiot. Don't worry though, I am here to help you. Because I love you and I have nothing better to do, I have come up with a couple of unique and affordable Halloween costumes for you to make.

Halloween Costume Ideas:

#1 - Pregnant Teenage Bin-man 

This costume is easy to make if you're interested in doing it. You will need a pillow, a toy baby, hoop ear-rings, a glow in the dark jacket, hair tied to the side and a cigarette. Or, why not just get pregnant for that edge of authenticity? 

#2 - The People's Princess 

Don't be a fool this year by going into a fancy dress shop and paying loads for an overpriced rubber mask. Many tourist shops around London sell these highly realistic, suspiciously faced sized post cards of the royal family and celebrities. This costume will only cost you about 35p and will terrify your friends. Be warned though, these things have a sort of "The Mask" like quality to them, causing the wearer to adopt the mannerisms of their chosen face. I don't recommend the Robbie Williams one. 

# 3 - Bubble Wrap Head

This is probably the best (and most affordable) costume of the three. Be careful not to attach it too tight as you may suffocate (also consider cutting out holes for the nose and mouth to ensure maximum breathing capacity) but I guarantee you will be the centre of attention in this classy ensemble, with everyone at the party constantly pushing and pinching your face. Drunken altercations will be instantly resolved when a punch to the face can turn into a hil-arious popping game. 

So, there you have my suggestions. I won't be following any of them myself this year though, as I shamefully bought my costume online. Doing all this creative idea work for you has drained me of any energy to come up with something original for myself, so this year I'll just be a pumpkin.

Have fun yeah?

Psychic Penguins

“Name a penguin who was an impressionist artist”

Firstly, I find it unorthodox that a chocolate bar would ask so much of me. All I want is some cocoa bean related stress relief. Chocolate calms me. I don't want to be ordered to answer questions. I haven't even opened it yet, and I feel like I'm back at school, stressed to the point of wetting myself because I don't understand fractions and I'm being demanded to answer what three fourths is equivalent to. I don't know alright! Leave me alone!

Secondly, I find the question itself troublesome. Name a penguin who was an impressionist artist? Now, I don't doubt a penguins ability to be an artist. Dumber animals have achieved far more. Some dogs can dance. I just find the likelihood of a penguin being able to master something to the level of Monet to be optimistic. It might be able to have a shit on a large piece of card or something. Also, I can't name any penguins. I don't know any personally. I saw one at the London Sea Life Aquarium once, but it didn't tell me it's name, it was too busy being a fucking penguin.

I'm not going to answer your stupid question, because I don't take orders from sub-par chocolate bars. I'm just going to open you and eat you. Stop trying to distract me away from your below adequate taste with riddles. A part of me already knows the answer, like I was told it in a past life. Perhaps a parallel universe or a dream. Or in the most likely scenario, I've already had this one before as they only seem to print about 6 different questions. I can feel the words spill into my mind. Peck. Peck. Peck. Peck-asso. Peck-asso? Picasso? Is that what it means? Is “Peck-asso” supposed to be a play on words relating to the artist Picasso? Do penguins even peck generally? Not all birds are the same are they? A penguin doesn't share all of it's traits with a chicken. Chickens peck, not penguins. It won't say “peck-asso” It couldn't.

It does. Did I mention that penguins taste like shit? 

I have written my own penguin joke. I don't want to brag, but I think it's infinitely better than any joke the Penguin bar company has ever produced. Here it is:

Why are penguins so good at being psychic?

Because they do a lot of cold reading. 

If you would like to hire me to write more jokes for your failing chocolate bars, you can contact me at piginawig@live.co.uk

Things Happen to Everybody

Things happen to everybody. That's a pretty universally accepted premise isn't it?

Rhetorical questions like that are good because they make the reader feel like their opinion matters, but really you're just reading some words on a screen aren't you? You can't actually reply can you? You're an idiot aren't you? Oh, what's that? You can reply via the comment box below? Well, I feel like an idiot now. You turned the tables on me, and you managed to do it by doing nothing but read along these sentences that I wrote in a left to right fashion, although knowing you, you probably weren't reading this properly anyway. You've probably got a hi-larious video open at the same time of a cat masturbating.

But it's true isn't it? Things do happen to everybody. Things certainly happen to me, but could I be presumptuous enough to think that you have any interest in them at all? Yes I could is the answer. You're dying to know, I can tell. So, for your reading pleasure here is a completely true story about something that happened to me yesterday. It will be written with no humour intended, and will act only as something for you to absorb and subsequently use to think you know me on a more personal level, even though you don't even know me on a not personal level? Impersonal?

Impersonal

1. Lacking personality; not being a person: an impersonal force.

2. a. Showing no emotion or personality: an aloof, impersonal manner

Sounds about right.

DVD's From The Library – A short story for your amusement

The best thing about getting a DVD out from the Library is that it's cheaper than renting it from Blockbusters. The worst thing about getting a DVD out from the library is that when I take it up to the desk, I am so sure that the librarian thinks I'm an uneducated fuck-wit that I also place a book that I don't even want underneath it just to needlessly press the fact that I can indeed read, and that I do so frequently as well as enjoying the art form that is the moving picture. If you're going to look down on me, don't stock DVDs you deranged psychopath. But maybe she doesn't think that at all. Maybe she just thinks I'm a cheapskate, which I can deal with, because I am.

The Library I get my DVDs from has a preposterously unrealistic expectation that the films you rent should be returned the next day, before 12 in the afternoon. There is then a £1 charge for every hour they are late. I don't understand this. The 2 films I rented seemed relatively unloved , 1 of which hadn't been rented before me since 2 years ago. As for the other one, the Library had 8 copies of it. What do they need them back so soon for? My Library is overly possessive.

I arrive to return my DVDs 2 hours late. I am informed that I will have to pay a fine of £4. I go over to the machine to get some money out so I can pay the fine, as I do so I am approached by 2 Muslim girls holding a bucket. They ask me if I want to buy a doughnut for charity. I tell them I don't really like doughnuts, but I will give to their charity. I ask them what the charity is. They don't tell me it's name, but they inform me it is to help orphans in Islamic countries. It sounds admirable enough so I give them 50p and they leave. As I pay my Library fine, I can't stop thinking that I would have preferred to give £4 to the charity instead of to this Library. I leave feeling deflated and angry with myself. Self loathing is my mood for at least an hour afterwards. I vow never to rent a DVD from that Library again, even though I know that I will. I get home and have some dinner (I can't remember what it was) Then I watch some television and go to bed. Then, the next day I do a few similar things and a few other things that are different. Days vary.

The End.

Halloween - Part 1

Halloween is coming. You can tell it's almost Halloween, because where the London air usually smells like piss and buildings, for one month it smells oddly clean and fresh. It must be the Government that do it, pumping large quantities of oxygen into the streets to balance out the car fumes.

I remember that when I was about 12, Halloween really was a holiday. Every idiot in the street dressed up as something and, depending on their age, either walked around knocking on potential paedophile's houses begging for handfulls of chewits or ran around knocking out children and setting off fireworks in doorways. Thems where the days. 

#1 Costume of choice among dick-heads

Picture if you will, me. Albeit, a lot smaller, dressed like a vampire and considerably more male looking. With me is a Mummy, Wednesday Adams, Zorro and some kid I can't remember wearing a cheap mask with a hoody. We already know it's been a good Halloween so far, because we have considerably more sweets than pieces of fruit. Most old people don't open the door, but when they do they seem to feel such a duty to children (of fear of) that they hand over whatever they have, this usually being apples, oranges or 20p coins. We are standing outside our last house of the evening. I ring the doorbell and after about half a minute, a small Chinese woman appears. She screams in delight. "You come in!" she keeps repeating to us. "Don't talk to strangers. Don't talk to strangers" loops over and over again in my head. It's true that we're taught not to talk to strangers, but in turn we were also encouraged by parents to participate in this semi-begging tradition which basically relies on the concept of talking to people you don't know. I decide that free sweets are too important, and we all go in.

"This place looks safe"

There we are, sitting on a sofa in a living room that can only be described as stagnant. There are portable wardrobes and clothes everywhere. The sound and smell of frying bacon resonates from the unseen kitchen outside. The Chinese woman is still staring at us and laughing in joy. One of us tells her "Erm, we should really get going now" But she leaves the room and calls up the stairs. "STEPHEN!" she calls, then re-enters the living room. "You stay here!" she tells us. I start to wonder if we're going to be killed. Then I begin to think it's most probable that we're going to be killed. After about 30 seconds of waiting for this Stephen character to come downstairs, I decide that we're definately going to be killed. I can sense that we're all very worried. I keep thinking to myself that in a few days there is going to be a school assembly about us, which will act as a lesson for the remaining living pupils about why it's not good to enter a strangers house. Stephen enters the room. He is a very tall, heavy set Jamaican man with dreadlocks and something behind his back. He kneels down on one knee and points a polaroid camera at us all. "Say cheese!" he grins before capturing a moment in time, where 5 terrified children sat on his now urine warm sofa, wondering if their 12 years on Earth had been wasted or not. Then they let us leave... with no sweets what-so-ever.

The last thing you smell before you die

It's an odd thing to know that somewhere, in some stranger's possession is a childhood photo of yourself. I suppose I only told that story because Halloween is a time for such things, and as it happens it is completely true. The greatest thing about Halloween is the folklore that children make for themselves. "Don't knock on that house, a registered sex offender lives there" or "Didn't you know that 10 years ago today a child was brutally murdered with a hammer down that ally-way?" Kid's can be so cute.

My road used to be full of kids running around, knocking on doors, but last year I got 1 person knock on my door, and they were putting in half the required effort at most.

I know who I blame for it

Sod.

Things What I've Done So Far

Here are a few videos that I've done so far. For everything, go to www.piginawig.co.uk - full updates and stuff can be found on the homepage.

I started a Wink Diary to help document my development learning to wink. Please enjoy it.

I also made this

And this