Halloween - Part 2

Choosing that perfect Halloween costume can be a real pain in the fanny. You want to be original with it, not just lazily buy some half arsed ebay piss fabric, but times are hard and your brainpower is limited. It's not your fault you're an idiot. Don't worry though, I am here to help you. Because I love you and I have nothing better to do, I have come up with a couple of unique and affordable Halloween costumes for you to make.

Halloween Costume Ideas:

#1 - Pregnant Teenage Bin-man 

This costume is easy to make if you're interested in doing it. You will need a pillow, a toy baby, hoop ear-rings, a glow in the dark jacket, hair tied to the side and a cigarette. Or, why not just get pregnant for that edge of authenticity? 

#2 - The People's Princess 

Don't be a fool this year by going into a fancy dress shop and paying loads for an overpriced rubber mask. Many tourist shops around London sell these highly realistic, suspiciously faced sized post cards of the royal family and celebrities. This costume will only cost you about 35p and will terrify your friends. Be warned though, these things have a sort of "The Mask" like quality to them, causing the wearer to adopt the mannerisms of their chosen face. I don't recommend the Robbie Williams one. 

# 3 - Bubble Wrap Head

This is probably the best (and most affordable) costume of the three. Be careful not to attach it too tight as you may suffocate (also consider cutting out holes for the nose and mouth to ensure maximum breathing capacity) but I guarantee you will be the centre of attention in this classy ensemble, with everyone at the party constantly pushing and pinching your face. Drunken altercations will be instantly resolved when a punch to the face can turn into a hil-arious popping game. 

So, there you have my suggestions. I won't be following any of them myself this year though, as I shamefully bought my costume online. Doing all this creative idea work for you has drained me of any energy to come up with something original for myself, so this year I'll just be a pumpkin.

Have fun yeah?

Psychic Penguins

“Name a penguin who was an impressionist artist”

Firstly, I find it unorthodox that a chocolate bar would ask so much of me. All I want is some cocoa bean related stress relief. Chocolate calms me. I don't want to be ordered to answer questions. I haven't even opened it yet, and I feel like I'm back at school, stressed to the point of wetting myself because I don't understand fractions and I'm being demanded to answer what three fourths is equivalent to. I don't know alright! Leave me alone!

Secondly, I find the question itself troublesome. Name a penguin who was an impressionist artist? Now, I don't doubt a penguins ability to be an artist. Dumber animals have achieved far more. Some dogs can dance. I just find the likelihood of a penguin being able to master something to the level of Monet to be optimistic. It might be able to have a shit on a large piece of card or something. Also, I can't name any penguins. I don't know any personally. I saw one at the London Sea Life Aquarium once, but it didn't tell me it's name, it was too busy being a fucking penguin.

I'm not going to answer your stupid question, because I don't take orders from sub-par chocolate bars. I'm just going to open you and eat you. Stop trying to distract me away from your below adequate taste with riddles. A part of me already knows the answer, like I was told it in a past life. Perhaps a parallel universe or a dream. Or in the most likely scenario, I've already had this one before as they only seem to print about 6 different questions. I can feel the words spill into my mind. Peck. Peck. Peck. Peck-asso. Peck-asso? Picasso? Is that what it means? Is “Peck-asso” supposed to be a play on words relating to the artist Picasso? Do penguins even peck generally? Not all birds are the same are they? A penguin doesn't share all of it's traits with a chicken. Chickens peck, not penguins. It won't say “peck-asso” It couldn't.

It does. Did I mention that penguins taste like shit? 

I have written my own penguin joke. I don't want to brag, but I think it's infinitely better than any joke the Penguin bar company has ever produced. Here it is:

Why are penguins so good at being psychic?

Because they do a lot of cold reading. 

If you would like to hire me to write more jokes for your failing chocolate bars, you can contact me at piginawig@live.co.uk

Things Happen to Everybody

Things happen to everybody. That's a pretty universally accepted premise isn't it?

Rhetorical questions like that are good because they make the reader feel like their opinion matters, but really you're just reading some words on a screen aren't you? You can't actually reply can you? You're an idiot aren't you? Oh, what's that? You can reply via the comment box below? Well, I feel like an idiot now. You turned the tables on me, and you managed to do it by doing nothing but read along these sentences that I wrote in a left to right fashion, although knowing you, you probably weren't reading this properly anyway. You've probably got a hi-larious video open at the same time of a cat masturbating.

But it's true isn't it? Things do happen to everybody. Things certainly happen to me, but could I be presumptuous enough to think that you have any interest in them at all? Yes I could is the answer. You're dying to know, I can tell. So, for your reading pleasure here is a completely true story about something that happened to me yesterday. It will be written with no humour intended, and will act only as something for you to absorb and subsequently use to think you know me on a more personal level, even though you don't even know me on a not personal level? Impersonal?

Impersonal

1. Lacking personality; not being a person: an impersonal force.

2. a. Showing no emotion or personality: an aloof, impersonal manner

Sounds about right.

DVD's From The Library – A short story for your amusement

The best thing about getting a DVD out from the Library is that it's cheaper than renting it from Blockbusters. The worst thing about getting a DVD out from the library is that when I take it up to the desk, I am so sure that the librarian thinks I'm an uneducated fuck-wit that I also place a book that I don't even want underneath it just to needlessly press the fact that I can indeed read, and that I do so frequently as well as enjoying the art form that is the moving picture. If you're going to look down on me, don't stock DVDs you deranged psychopath. But maybe she doesn't think that at all. Maybe she just thinks I'm a cheapskate, which I can deal with, because I am.

The Library I get my DVDs from has a preposterously unrealistic expectation that the films you rent should be returned the next day, before 12 in the afternoon. There is then a £1 charge for every hour they are late. I don't understand this. The 2 films I rented seemed relatively unloved , 1 of which hadn't been rented before me since 2 years ago. As for the other one, the Library had 8 copies of it. What do they need them back so soon for? My Library is overly possessive.

I arrive to return my DVDs 2 hours late. I am informed that I will have to pay a fine of £4. I go over to the machine to get some money out so I can pay the fine, as I do so I am approached by 2 Muslim girls holding a bucket. They ask me if I want to buy a doughnut for charity. I tell them I don't really like doughnuts, but I will give to their charity. I ask them what the charity is. They don't tell me it's name, but they inform me it is to help orphans in Islamic countries. It sounds admirable enough so I give them 50p and they leave. As I pay my Library fine, I can't stop thinking that I would have preferred to give £4 to the charity instead of to this Library. I leave feeling deflated and angry with myself. Self loathing is my mood for at least an hour afterwards. I vow never to rent a DVD from that Library again, even though I know that I will. I get home and have some dinner (I can't remember what it was) Then I watch some television and go to bed. Then, the next day I do a few similar things and a few other things that are different. Days vary.

The End.

Halloween - Part 1

Halloween is coming. You can tell it's almost Halloween, because where the London air usually smells like piss and buildings, for one month it smells oddly clean and fresh. It must be the Government that do it, pumping large quantities of oxygen into the streets to balance out the car fumes.

I remember that when I was about 12, Halloween really was a holiday. Every idiot in the street dressed up as something and, depending on their age, either walked around knocking on potential paedophile's houses begging for handfulls of chewits or ran around knocking out children and setting off fireworks in doorways. Thems where the days. 

#1 Costume of choice among dick-heads

Picture if you will, me. Albeit, a lot smaller, dressed like a vampire and considerably more male looking. With me is a Mummy, Wednesday Adams, Zorro and some kid I can't remember wearing a cheap mask with a hoody. We already know it's been a good Halloween so far, because we have considerably more sweets than pieces of fruit. Most old people don't open the door, but when they do they seem to feel such a duty to children (of fear of) that they hand over whatever they have, this usually being apples, oranges or 20p coins. We are standing outside our last house of the evening. I ring the doorbell and after about half a minute, a small Chinese woman appears. She screams in delight. "You come in!" she keeps repeating to us. "Don't talk to strangers. Don't talk to strangers" loops over and over again in my head. It's true that we're taught not to talk to strangers, but in turn we were also encouraged by parents to participate in this semi-begging tradition which basically relies on the concept of talking to people you don't know. I decide that free sweets are too important, and we all go in.

"This place looks safe"

There we are, sitting on a sofa in a living room that can only be described as stagnant. There are portable wardrobes and clothes everywhere. The sound and smell of frying bacon resonates from the unseen kitchen outside. The Chinese woman is still staring at us and laughing in joy. One of us tells her "Erm, we should really get going now" But she leaves the room and calls up the stairs. "STEPHEN!" she calls, then re-enters the living room. "You stay here!" she tells us. I start to wonder if we're going to be killed. Then I begin to think it's most probable that we're going to be killed. After about 30 seconds of waiting for this Stephen character to come downstairs, I decide that we're definately going to be killed. I can sense that we're all very worried. I keep thinking to myself that in a few days there is going to be a school assembly about us, which will act as a lesson for the remaining living pupils about why it's not good to enter a strangers house. Stephen enters the room. He is a very tall, heavy set Jamaican man with dreadlocks and something behind his back. He kneels down on one knee and points a polaroid camera at us all. "Say cheese!" he grins before capturing a moment in time, where 5 terrified children sat on his now urine warm sofa, wondering if their 12 years on Earth had been wasted or not. Then they let us leave... with no sweets what-so-ever.

The last thing you smell before you die

It's an odd thing to know that somewhere, in some stranger's possession is a childhood photo of yourself. I suppose I only told that story because Halloween is a time for such things, and as it happens it is completely true. The greatest thing about Halloween is the folklore that children make for themselves. "Don't knock on that house, a registered sex offender lives there" or "Didn't you know that 10 years ago today a child was brutally murdered with a hammer down that ally-way?" Kid's can be so cute.

My road used to be full of kids running around, knocking on doors, but last year I got 1 person knock on my door, and they were putting in half the required effort at most.

I know who I blame for it

Sod.

Things What I've Done So Far

Here are a few videos that I've done so far. For everything, go to www.piginawig.co.uk - full updates and stuff can be found on the homepage.

I started a Wink Diary to help document my development learning to wink. Please enjoy it.

I also made this

And this