Tree Baby

Many different things live in trees. Birds... leaves... carrier bags sometimes. I learnt this week though, that occasionally babies like to live in trees too

I imagine it was the only place it felt truly safe. Sometimes I wish I could live in a tree, then I remember that I actually have never been able to climb trees and find the very notion of living in a tree physically sickening. 

I found some more toilet cubicle art today

 This beautifully drawn piece can be located in one of the middle cubicles (I think the fourth along, that sounds like the kind of cubicle number I would probably pick) in the Greenwich Park women's toilets (just near the observatory) 

That's enough pictures for you today, you greedy sow. 

Mother Mary

I am sitting in an internet cafe in Brighton. tHE COMPUTER I'M SITTING AT HAS A BROKEN KEYBOARD WHERE THE CAPS LOCK KEY GETS STUCK OCCASIONALLY.

The computer I'm at also has a webcam on it. Here is some proof of that last statement

Other than that though, there isn't much more to say about it. I did find this photo in the "pictures" section on the hard drive though.

My Mobile & Me

The video underneath these words is 11 minutes long. Sorry about that. It's a video that I put together as part of a piece of University coursework. The course is a writing course and it's called "Digital Self" and we were asked to do a story which involved the topics we were talking about in class, which happened to be technology. Because I am quite interested in doing some performance based stuff, instead of just doing a written story I decided to put this video together and then perform it live in front of the class. The whole class didn't turn up. But I did perform it to about 8 people, and they laughed at parts of it and clapped at the end so now I am technically (and possibly legally) a performance ARTIST. The only problem is, I don't have the actual footage of myself performing it. So what I've done is just re-record the audio that I spoke in the performance and pasted it under the finished video. Anyway, the video contains music that doesn't belong to me and also has lots of footage of complete strangers, so I don't imagine it will be online for every long. Watch it while you can. Or don't, because the beauty of the internet is that it's up to you. 

My Mobile & Me

It gets a bit overly sentimental at the end and I struggled to round it off as well as I would have liked, but there it is. Can't change it now. Well, I can but I can't be bothered to.

I am currently writing something completely different to this, which I plan to perform in places that will have me. It will be about my life so far, and there-for be very self centred. I'm also aiming for it to be about an hour and a half long. You know, like a film. 

Hagar

This is the first panel of a "Hagar The Horrible" comic strip, written by Chris Browne. The Sun newspaper has these almost every day. In the panel, the wife character is informing Hagar that "Grandpa" wants him to bring back a bottle of aftershave. Exactly why, is unclear. Firstly, we're not informed whether he's the wife's father or Hagar's father. Secondly, why exactly he wants aftershave is hard to understand, seeing as he has a huge white beard which I can't imagine he has any intention of shaving. At this point, I don't hold out much hope of this narrative going anywhere, but let's keep on anyway...

...this is the second panel. There are no words in it, but it seems to demonstrate the grandpa whispering something to Hagar's wife. It's a pretty boring panel, so let's move on...

...in this, the final panel, the punchline is revealed. The answer to my original query of "why would he even need aftershave?" is answered, however it only creates more confusing questions. It is revealed that Grandpa also want's Hagar to kidnap a woman and bring her back from France against her will, so he can "pat" the aftershave on her. I really don't understand why he would want to pat aftershave on a French woman. Of all the sensual things you could pat onto somebody, aftershave doesn't strike me as the most desirable, especially if the poor kidnapped woman in question has any cuts on herself (which after a kidnap she probably would have) 

I don't like comic strips. I don't think I've ever read one I like. I had an idea today on how to improve them though...

...first, take a typical Sun reader's opinion letter...

...and then fill in the comic strip with these words of Keith Payne instead of the rubbish ones written by Chris Browne

and now it's hilarious 

Keep Looking

Trying to understand art is a constant struggle, but I'm nothing if not determined. Here is a video I made of me, trying to pretend to understand some art. 

Next week, sculpture 

The Crafty Crucifix

God has me on his calendar...

...I hope he has me on May 25th. May 25th is my birthday. 

Every month or so, there is a new, hand painted sign put up outside this church. I often wonder who paints them. I like to imagine it's the vicar himself. I picture him on his hands and knees, poster paints laid out across the scout hall floor as he franticly scurries around to water his brushes. I picture him sitting at his computer at home in the early hours of the morning, trying to devise new ideas for signs. 

"It's 2012. What can I work with there? End of the world? No, too pessimistic. Ah! The fucking Olympics! Of course. And, I could place a crafty crucifix in the middle of the zero. Take that advertising industry, the church can play with subliminal advertising too"

I liked this sign too, which was put up just before Christmas, but is still there now

I like this sign because it suggests that Jesus, is a baby "not just for Christmas" as opposed to all the other mortal, normal babies who are in fact equal to house pets. Jesus was the kind of baby you had to take care of, walk every day, get de-flead and neuter.

This is your new born baby

Waterstones Sale

There is nothing more exciting than a Waterstones sale. Underneath this sentence, I have made a video demonstrating only a handful of the astounding books on offer.

So go, right now. Make sure to get there fast before all the best books go. The other day I saw a version of the complete H.G Wells short stories which was printed upside down with all the pages backwards. You'll have to adjust to a new reading system, but it's a sale!

DuChamp Lives

The women's toilets - Wetherspoons. The last cubicle on the right. I stand and look down in awe. It is awe, yes. I am genuinely impressed by any establishment that manages to keep a toilet so stuffed full of toilet paper. Flushing is not an option. I gaze down longer. It's beautiful. 

Perhaps art IS still alive?  Yes, this was intentional. It's modern art, it has to be. It's all come full circle... Not since Marcel DuChamp's "Fountain" has anyone been so daring in the world of toilet based art. The red on white is striking. Blood in a toilet is always controversial. A MASTERWORK! 

So contemporary

MAGNIFICENT!

It's exciting to think that I live in such an exciting time for art. Not done for financial gain. Done for LOVE.

Smile Harvester

A smiley face with the insignia "THANK YOU XX" scrawled beneath. Not just a receipt any more. Now, it's an expression. I see it, and I feel an urge to tip. Do you tip in a Harvester? Of course you fucking do. But then I wonder; why is the smiley face's chin so big? Who draws eyes up so close to the top of the head? Is that supposed to be me? If this a fucking insult? No, she's a waitress not an artist. No harm was meant by it. It doesn't even have any hair. I've got hair. £12.58. Yeah, ok. That's quite low for 2 meals isn't it? And she WAS friendly. AND you get free salad. Although, they did bring out the meal too fast for me to properly enjoy the salad bar. I should have complained shouldn't I? "Excuse me, the food came too quickly. What kind of pony show are you running here? Send it back and let me eat this cold pasta" Let me assess this situation. I don't have much money at the moment, that's why we're in a Harvester in the first place. Is a £1 tip enough? Does that make me look ungrateful? She DID draw me a weird smiley face, that isn't supposed to be me but might be me. Okay, I value the picture at about 50p so I'll add that onto the tip. That seems fair I think.

God, maybe that's a picture of HER. Is that what she thinks of herself? The poor girl. Okay, here's another 50p. That's a  £2 tip now. I can't go any higher, I really can't.

I really cant.

I'm a fucking artist

If you don't know anything about something, then you can buy a book and it will tell you things about the thing you don't know anything about and then you'll know a bit more about it.

This Book Exists 

I bought this book from "Halcyon Books" in Greenwich. It was £1. It is teaching me what art is. Apparently, it's got something to do with paint? I'm still trying to get to grips with the introduction, so I'll do another update when I've read more. 

Someone told me that photography was an art too. I don't believe them. 

See, here's a photo of a nappy in the women's toilets at Pizza Hut in Greenwich that I took and it's fucking rubbish. It isn't art at all. 

I know I want to do some kind of art, but finding the right kind is proving difficult. Maybe modern art?

"My Awful Life" - Jen Ives

Close enough

Oh Alan

Sometimes, when I am in B&Q I like to pretend that I am an unappreciated housewife. I can stare longingly for hours out of fake, fitted kitchen windows...

...before eventually succumbing to the bitter and inescapable comfort of wine and antidepressants.

Here is a photo of me, with my life-partner Alan

We just love coming to B&Q on the weekends. Although, whenever important decisions need to be made about which style of light fixtures we want, he runs off into the garden section

Broadbent

I am currently working on a performance art project thing. Here is a tiny piece of it.