I did one

I haven't updated this blog or my website in a while. That's mainly because I've been working on a performance thing and I've forgotten about you. Sorry.

I did a sort of demo version of what I'm working on, which was 12 minutes long, to a group of about 10 people in a classroom with a projector and sound and all that and it went well. People laughed in the right places, so I'm now working on expanding it to an hour and getting the narrative better sorted out. Also, I'm looking for places to perform it.

Usually when I go out into the real world and film things and take pictures they end up on this blog, but I've been hogging them for my ART. I am selfish. Anyway, here's a photo from it. It probably wont give you any clue as to what the show is about, but that's the nature of being obscure isn't it.

Hopefully I can make the leap from useless internet content provider, to performing useless content provider and I will never see any of you ever again. Of course I'm joking. In part.

(Berating the reader is a tactic I commonly employ to add a hint of sarcasm to things I secretly don't mean but sometimes sort of do)

I do love you though, unconditionally. 

Christmas Cracker Leftist Loonacy

I saw this article today in The Sun newspaper. Please read it. 

I for one am disgusted. I remember the bygone days when you could read racist, sexist,disabled-ist or homophobic jokes in Christmas crackers. I remember once, sitting around the dinner table on December the 25th, my whole family were in hysterics over a joke about a black, Muslim, wheelchair-bound, gay woman who walked into a bar. I can't remember the punchline though. Offensive jokes have become a part of my family's Christmas tradition and I can't believe we have to tolerate this PC rubbish. 

I'm writing this in the hope that you'll agree with me and help me fight this limp, left wing loonacy by sending an email to Alex West complaining that political correctness has finally gone TOO FAR. I for one will be sending him an email, that's for sure. 

Hopefully he'll have the good sense to print my email so the whole of Britain can have an opportunity to WAKE up from this Political Correctness NIGHTMARE. 

I just hope he doesn't mind that I got his name wrong...

Photographing Strangers & Posing

Hello.

It's been a while hasn't it? I'm sorry that I haven't updated "Things with Tits On" but it seems there really aren't that many things to put tits on. There's probably about 7 or 8 things, and I've already done 5 of them. If I find the other 3 I'll let you know.

I have been spending most of my time writing a show. Ooh, get me! A show? How can I write a show? What kind of show? Well, when I saw "show" I mean it in it's loosest term. Basically, I am writing something that I intend at some point to take to a stage. I don't know what kind of stage. A wooden one probably, but I'll settle for other surfaces. Also, when I say "writing" what I mean is going out filming things, recording audio, taking photos of strangers and things of that nature, because the show in question will be a multimedia production. There are written bits too and I do intend to speak. Think Dave Gorman, minus the jokes but with an awkward tranny on stage instead of Dave Gorman. I'm sorry I'm not Dave Gorman!

The desire to do a show has mainly come about due to a little thing in my brain that keeps telling me to do a show. Also, I'm pretty used to being stared at by people I don't know, so what difference does it make if I'm on a stage? I don't know if it will pass as comedy. If you laugh, it's comedy. If you don't, it's high art and you just don't get it because you're a fucking idiot who likes Michael MacIntyre and all that yeah? You can off anyway, I'm late for an exhibition at the Southbank. (That last bit was a joke. See, maybe it won't be so bad after all)

I'm not under any delusions of grandeur. I don't have a fan base, and why should I? I don't even like me very much. But if people do show up, I will do the show. I might even get a pocket projector and do the entire show in randomised places in South London, like a travelling circus of depression. It would be free though, and I might bring a bag of broken biscuits just in case it goes tits up.

I also started a little picture blog today. I know I start something new almost every day and never get around to maintaining them (see "things with tits on blog") but I'm quite partial to this, so might carry it on. I am carrying on things with tits on though.

Anyway, click HERE

Thanks for reading all this rubbish and I hope you now have a better idea of what I've been up to. What do you mean "who?"? Me. You know... Me. ME. I'm pretty important...

Unpopular Month

Twitter is shit. That's what I've managed to conclude after doing over 2000 tweets myself, so it might be a late observation but that doesn't make it any less accurate. Twitter was developed in 1997 by Sir Stephen Fry in order to help manage his many sexual partners from the years 1982 to 1998. Everyone else then just followed.

I think the best tweet I ever did was "I'm hungry" I'm proud of that one because it displays an honest feeling. I really was hungry. I went and had a peanut butter sandwich after I tweeted that. 

Over the past month I have been documenting the people who have unfollowed me. Here they are in a list

(1)

This is Jade Raad. "Trouble maker at channel 4" She followed me for a week or so, but then she unfollowed me. I'm not sure why. I remember following her back out of a pathetic need to be in contact with someone at channel 4. A quick google search of her name has shown me that she could be the Sponsorship Executive for the program "Misfits" on E4. I thought Misfits was shit anyway. 

(2)

This is Richard. He's 30 something years old. I can't remember if I ever spoke to him on Twitter, but when he unfollowed me I cried for hours and hours. I took his unfollow particularly to heart because of his beautiful smile. How could he do that? What a bastard. 

(3)

Ah Darren. "One Wife, two sons and I'm an Aston Villa fan for my sins" Sound like a cunt anyway. 

(4)

W.A Gibson has a quote from the film Raising Arizona on his twitter description. I do not miss him.

(5)

Burlesqueking only followed me for a few days. He has a girlfriend. I learnt this from his twitter page. We never had long enough to properly know each other. I'm presuming he followed me by accident. If not, he's playing games with my heart.

(6)

Auntipax. This one hurt. I have had brief communication with Pax. Re-tweets, @ back and forths. I must have said something to offend her. When I saw she had unfollowed me, I held my hand on my oven hob for 30 seconds to distract my mind from the pain in my heart. 

So, they were the people who unfollowed me this month. If you want to avoid ever being on this list, never follow me. If you do decide to follow me, then don't ever unfollow me. Tune in next month for more. 

Dr Kayden

Omegle is a very interesting website. Basically, it links you with a complete stranger and if they aren't an automated robot that wants to direct you to a hard-core sex website, you can end up having conversations with all sorts of different people.

I am quite fond of playing a completely improvised on the spot character on Omegle. I am vowing to never play the same person twice. Here is my first attempt, in a conversation I had with a Dr Kayden.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: My husband is asleep so I only have 5 minutes, so lets make this good ok?

Stranger: Okay!!!!(;

You: Ok great!

You: I'm 41 but look 22

You: honest

Stranger: I'm 35

You: Not a huge age gap then!

You: He's asleep upstairs

You: if he knew I was on here, he would go mental

You: So, tell me about yourself

Stranger: Well I am single good looking I work at a hospital as a Nero surgeon

You: wow!

You: a professional

You: you know how brains work

Stranger: Yes

You: I used to be an interior decorator

You: but I had to quit

Stranger: Why?

You: Now I just look after my garden

You: Because my husband won't let me work

You: he insists on being the man

You: He is a lawyer in the city

Stranger: Awww that sucks. And cool cool

You: it's not cool, hes a bastard

You: I want to chop his dick off

Stranger: Ohhhh. Why are you still with him then?

You: Because we have 2 kids and hes a good dad

You: just a lousy husband

Stranger: Ohhhh okay

You: btw

You: I'm not really 44

You: I'm 45

You: I feel like I need to be honest with you

You: I feel a bond to you

You: My Psychic crystals are shimmring

You: they like you

Stranger: Ohhh??

Stranger: Well good!

You: Where do you live?

Stranger: Cali. You?

You: California? Right, I'm booking a plane first thing in the morning

You: I live in Texas

Stranger: Oh!

You: Is it ok if I bring my kids?

Stranger: Yes California is resllynice

Stranger: Really nice*

You: Do you have a room for them both?

Stranger: no?

You: Ok, I'll have to just bring one then

Stranger: Ok

You: choosing is going to be difficult

Stranger: Mmhmm

You: You're so good for letting me come and stay with you

Stranger: Nooooo

You: No?

You: I thought it was settled

You: I come to Cali tomorrow

You: you pick me up

Stranger: You don't know why part o live in!!!

You: I'll call you when I get to the airport

Stranger: Good lick with that

Stranger: Luck*

You: Can I have your number now just in case?

Stranger: no

You: Ok, ill give you mine

Stranger: ????

You: Just a second

Stranger: Wtf

You: You're a doll

You: 1 scond

Stranger: Wttttfffffff

You: its 1832 615 2848

Stranger: nooo

You: I'll book the tickets for tomorrow morning

You: bring 1 kid

You: Bobby probably

Stranger: Have fun

You: Charlotte can be a brat

You: she likes her daddy more anyways

Stranger: Your a freak

You: I'm not

You: honestly

You: thats whay my husband says to me

You: but I'm really not

You: I just need out

You: a new life

Stranger: I wonder why!!??!?

You: in Cali

You: We could get married?

Stranger: No thank you

You: You could be Bobbys new neurosurgeon daddy

Stranger: Nopee

You: I thought we had something together

Stranger: Fuck you

You: Not until we're married

Stranger: Grooss I wouldn't want to

Stranger: Freeeeaaaak

You: Honey, you're no spring chicken. 35?

You: You could do with some mature lovin

Stranger: Gross

You: I'm 45, I know things

Stranger: Nasty

You: It aint nasty

You: you'd really be helping me out

You: If I stay here any longer I'm going to end up...

You: I dont know

You: cutting his dick off!

Stranger: Ok

You: Ok? So it's settled then?

Stranger: Nipe

Stranger: Nopr

Stranger: Nope!!!!

You: http://www.cheapflights.com/flights-to-california/from-texas/

You: I found some good deals online see

Stranger: Noooo noooo noooo

You: You call me tomorrow at about 7

You: and we can arrange a pick up time

You: My name is Paula by the way

You: whats yours?

Stranger: Fuck off psycho bitch!

You: Come on, you don't mean that

You: Bobby needs a new daddy

You: Hold on, I'll go and wake him up

You: We can leave tonight

You: Would that be better for you?

Stranger: You craaaaaaazzzzzy! Bitch!

You: you'll really like him

You: he's 12

You: Not the smartest boy, but boy howdy does he like runnin'

You: But you're a doctor right?

You: you can teach him up good

Stranger: Nope!!

You: What happened?

You: We hit it off so good

You: Now you're colder than a chicken butt in winter

You: Was it something I said?

You: Listen. I know what's puttin' you off

You: I'll come alone

You: Bobby and Charlotte will be fine with their daddy

Stranger: I done even know what to say u

Stranger: N

You: I'm literally about 2 clicks away from orderin' these here plane tickets so I need to know for sure that you're gonna be there

Stranger: Do it

You: 1 click away now hon

You: Really?

You: You'll be there?

You: at the airport

You: You'll call me right?

Stranger: Yes(:

You: It's done

You: I leave tomorrow at 12:40

You: I can't wait to meet you

You: This feels so right

You: Please, tell me your name

You: I'm gonna be landing in Fresno Airport

You: you can get there right?

You: Darlin?

Stranger: Ok its kayden

You: Aw Kayden!

You: that's a beautiful name

Stranger: Iknpw

You: How much money do you make Kayden?

Stranger: Alot

You: Hot dog!

Stranger: Mmhmm

You: Shit

You: I can hear Keith

You: He's calling out in his sleep again

Stranger: Uh oh

You: I hate the bastard, but I think you saved his dick Kayden

Stranger: Ok

You: Remember to call me about 7 ok hon?

Stranger: Alright

You: Goodnight Kayden, my sweet prince

Stranger: Goodnight

You: I love you

Stranger: Umm?

And that was our conversation. Pretty special wasn't it? Now I can develop that into a script, sell the rights to Universal Pictures and secure a big fancy pay cheque as a screen writer in Hollywood.