New Blog

I have a new blog now, so I'm just going to use this one to link back to that one. Complex, I know. But having two is fucking stupid. Anyway, here's my latest entry:

http://jenives.wordpress.com/2012/05/27/microsoft-word-up-hoe/

Spot Painting

Damien Hirst does “Spot Paintings”
 This is one

If you want one of Hirst’s spot paintings, it could cost you anywhere up to 3.48 million pounds.

Alternatively, you could just go to CARD FACTORY and buy this wrapping paper

Sorry Hirst, who’s going to pay that much for a “Spot Painting” when these areavailable? Also, I’m pretty sure I can buy a dead cow’s head at any local butchers.

The Notepad

Dubstep

Free-loading SCUM

It costs £2.30 to ride a London Bus now if you don’t use an Oyster card. So why the fuck does this cheap piece of shit get to do whatever he fucking well wants?

Animals aren’t even allowed on the buses unless they’re guiding a blind person, and even then it’s not certain. This little prick doesn’t seem to be guiding any humans, so he does NOT belong.

But other people don’t care. Look at this woman, completely nonplussed that there’s a fucking free-loader right by her shoulder.

I mean, where the fuck is he going anyway? It’s not like he’s going home, he’s connected to it. He’s not visiting family is he? It was raining, so the likelihood is they’re all dead, under the shoes of business men and women, or decaying beside red elastic bands left by the postman, in puddles of bitter sorrow.

Actually, now that I think about it, that’s quite a horrible life really… This has put things into a different perspective for me. Perhaps he’s just trying to get away from it all. Aren’t we all entitled to that? If this snail has chosen to seek asylum via the 202 bus route from Crystal Palace towards Blackheath Standard, who am I to stop him? I would now even go so far as to say that he should be commemorated fOR his bravery, standing in the face of prejudice and working damned hard for his right to freedom.

I have now completely changed my mind on this poor, young, brave soul. If only more snails were like him. God bless him. I hope that when he gets to wherever it is he’s going to, he’ll be able to send for his family, before the cold boot of the postman obliterates them.

Actually I got off at the last stop, Blackheath, and the snail was still there. It had barely moved. As it was the last stop, the driver most likely would have seen him on his routine clean of the bus and would have probably just killed him with his fist.

Communism

Psychic Today

I’ve given up on mainstream television. I’ve seen this coming for a while now, but what finally did it for me was a line in the channel five program “Cowboy Builders” which aired sometime in the day on 16/04/12 (The whole day was a haze of shit TV and I can’t pinpoint the exact hour)

They were helping out a woman who’s name was Adele. No not the singer Adele! She was a normal person, who doesn’t do much singing (well not as much as the singer Adele anyway, and remember this isn’t the same Adele. They are different Adele’s, with different lives and problems)

Anyway, Melinda Messenger was consoling Adele (Not the singer Adele remember, a normal, common Adele who isn’t rich or famous) Then Melinda’s narration came in. And what it said still shakes me to the very centre of my being.

Melinda: “We’ll sort Adele out, and hopefully she won’t be chasing payments.”

"Thanks, I'll be here all week"

Do you get it? Chasing payments. Sound a bit like, chasing PAVEMENTS doesn’t it? DOESN’T IT?! Yes, it does.

That was it. That single line made something in my brain burn out and now I can no longer enjoy Channel 5 or anything before it ever again. I know that sounds mad, but if I risk watching BBC1, BBC2, ITV1 or Channel 4 ever again, I might accidentally click too far and land myself back onto Channel 5, and I really can’t allow that to happen.

Now that I think about it, the channels just after Channel 5 on the sky package are just as dangerous. I shouldn’t get anywhere near it really. If I want to watch television now, I will only try channels that are at least past the 500 mark. How about… 886?

JACKPOT!

Below is a video about my experience with watching Psychic Today for multiple hours. I feel that it has improved my view of television on the whole and therefore can only be regarded as a positive thing.

Magic

A video, in which I perform an astounding feat of conjuring & illusion.

My Easter

My Easter started with me waking up. I then went downstairs and turned my laptop on. After that, I thought I might do a blog about how I spent my Easter day. First I took a picture of my laptop, to prove it.

Then I realised that to truly document the day, I would have needed to get a picture of myself waking up from beneath the covers of my bed, so I went back upstairs, got back in bed and then took a photo of myself pretending to just wake up

While I was up there, pretending, I noticed that I had a lot of dirty washing. I gathered it all up, took it down stairs and put it in the washing machine.

I then had to make the difficult decision of picking either “synthetic wash” or “eco wash” Noticing that eco wash takes almost twice as long, I went for synthetic. Don’t judge me, I needed the extra time for drying my clothes later.

Next, I left the kitchen and re-entered the living room. I noticed the Easter Eggs which were on the table.

Only two of them were for me, from my sister and dad. I thought about how boring it is to be an adult. I also thought about the fact that I don’t really like Nestle chocolate. I didn’t at any point think about Jesus.

After that, I let the cat out. She wanted to go out regardless of the shit weather, which is more than could be said for me.

After I let the cat out, I came back over to my laptop and sat in front of it. I though that I was getting bored of taking photos of boring, minute details of my day and so thought about bringing the blog to it’s conclusion. I took one more photo, which was a photograph of this paragraph and then uploaded it to the blog.

I then realised that I had made a typing error in the paragraph I took a picture of on the line which was supposed to be “I was getting bored of taking photos…” but was instead “I was getting bored to taking photos…” which makes no sense and isnow unfortunately documented forever in digital photograph. I did go back and edit the original sentence though above it.

Then I decided I was going to go back out to the kitchen to make myself a crisp sandwich.

If anything extraordinary does happen on this Easter 2012, I will make an effort to add it to this blog entry, but for now I think it may have peaked.

Star Struck

It’s a strange thing, being starstruck. I don’t usually get affected by big stars, being one myself. However, the other day when I was riding a bus towards Brighton Marina, you’ll never believe who was sitting in front of me.

Your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed Bjork (Big Time Sensuality Era)

I have no idea what she was doing in Brighton, maybe she was on her way toALDI to pick up some reasonably priced tomato ketchup.

It doesn’t stop there though. On my way back home towards London Bridge, I saw ANOTHER famous person

That’s right. Elton fucking John. I might start up a scrap book collection of all the famous people I’ve spotted.

I’ve also spotted Patsy Palmer in Brighton high-street, but didn’t take a photo of her. So here’s someone else’s photo instead

Advertising Space

I don't know if you've ever been to Kidbrooke station, and how the fuck would I? I don't know anything about you. Regardless, I had to spend about thirty minutes sitting within it. This is the view I had

It felt strange not being encouraged to buy something. I imagined that this is what a world without advertising would be like...

...however, then I wondered if I had been tricked yet again by clever, modern advertising. Perhaps this wasn't just a blank advert board. How could I ever be sure? Maybe it was some kind of statement. 

I bet these shadows aren't even real shadows. They're probably painted on. They probably mean something really profound. Maybe they're band logo's or something? A band called "The Flowerpot Lamp-posts"

I couldn't find a band which matched that exact name, but I did find these guys on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lamppost-bandbd/113522108679807

I put a message on their wall letting them know I'm onto them. I await a reply. 

I've also decided to take the opportunity to use the blank advertising space to advertise myself...

...unfortunately, I spelt my website wrong, so it probably won't have any effect. 

My Wednesday Night

A typical evening of "writing"

Today I did a few words. One of them was "was" which was nice.

Talent

I made another video today. It's about talent. We all have one.

Still writing the show at the moment, so that's why I'm doing these video blog instead of written ones. 

I'm going now.

Total Film

I did a video about a magazine. It's below this

THIS

In other news, I'm still writing some show thing. I'll be doing special previews of it in the middle cubicle of the women's toilets in the Pizza Hut next to the Odeon in Greenwich. You know, the one with this written on the toilet roll dispenser:

This show isn't going to be called "Lucy Is A Slag" but that's probably a better title than what I currently have. Anyway, it's coming along and hopefully I will finish it before someone inevitably murders me in some kind of South London hate crime scenario. 

This Is The Voice I Want To Use

THIS IS THE VOICE I WANT TO USE...

 ...If only I had something worthwhile to say

Fish Breeding

Today I went into a pet shop. 

When I was in there, I saw a fish which I think quite closely resembles current teen pop icon Ed Sheeran.

This terrified me, as it leads me to believe that Ed Sheeran might be breeding with these fish. 


I also saw these mice for sale 

Well, I say I "saw" them, I couldn't actually see any in there. I'm guessing they were off at the theatre or something. 


That's enough hil-arious pet-shop based humour for today. 


Bye. 

Choices

The video below is about choices. You have a choice right now. You can either click off of this blog and go and read something thought provoking and good, or you can choose to watch the below video and experience disappointment. 

If you've got to this sentence, you must have watched the video. Sorry about that. 

Trafalgar Square

Welcome to Trafalgar Square. It's a place in London where people like to stand around. The man above is demonstrating perfectly the Square's original intended purpose. 

Recently though, a lot of people have been deviating away from just "standing around" and have also begun taking photographs of the things that are in the Square. Like this thing:

No one is really sure exactly what it is. Most speculate that it's a giant egg timer. Most are idiots. 

Given the nation's new found interest in photography, I decided to go to Trafalgar Square myself and give it a go. Below are some of my photos from the day. I'm quite proud of them, and I think they display a certain level of panache. 

All in all, it was a fun day out. Photography is a fun hobby and I can see why people do it. I might take it up permanently. 

Bye

For Cath

This video is for Cath.

If you're not Cath, you can still watch it, but just keep in mind that it is intended for her, whoever she is.

Build-A-Burger

First of all, we all know who was really behind the 9/11 attacks

Back Illuminati harridan !

But that's old news now. The illuminati has been spreading it's evil message in more subtle places. They're targeting your kids. Don't believe me? Brace yourself for this...

Build-A-Burger? Sounds very much like Bild-a-Berg. That's Bilderberg. The Bilderberg Group. It's clear that J.Sainsbury has been invited to many a Bilderberg meeting, how else do you think he manages to get his prices so Satanically low? 

Four pairs for £3? I'm pretty sure that white and orange are illuminati colours. 

Screaming Toilet

I did another mini podcast, which you can download in a variety of different places. Itunes would probably be the best if you actually want to subscribe. You don't need me to tell you that though do you, you're not an idiot. I don't know the url. Just search "piginawig" all one word on the itunes podcast store thing. 

Then there's Pod-o-matic. Dumb name, good site. 

http://piginawig.podomatic.com/entry/2012-02-18T12_39_30-08_00

If you don't like podomatic, you're probably about 13, so here's "audioboo" 

http://audioboo.fm/piginawig

Again, a really crap name but a fine site. And then finally there's "soundcloud" 

http://soundcloud.com/jenives

 I think that's enough shameless self promotion for tonight. Just click one of those links above, don't clock them all or you'll end up listening to the same thing about 4 times. Better yet, don't listen at all. Just leave now. 

Acetone Free

Hello again...

I bought this bottle of acetone free nail polish remover from Superdrug. They make it themselves, possibly in a big bath tub out the back. It works pretty well

I do however feel like they are over selling the product. I've used it several times now and don't feel at all happier. I would say my general happiness level is at about 41% at the moment, which although granted is above average for me, it remains at the same level both before and after using the acetone free nail polish remover. 


Everyone has a twitter nowadays. Even whole shops. So I sent them a tweet

I'll let you know if they reply. Maybe they'll give me something for free. 


Bye then

Trash

Sometimes, concentration is a difficult game of wits. This girl knows that if she places a Ferrero Rocher in front of her during a lecture, and tells herself "If you get through this you can have the Ferrero Rocher" she is statistically 13% more likely to learn something.

Unless she succumbs to temptation that is. Eating it before the lecture is over has statistically shown that she would be 4.7% more likely to be splashed by a puddle from 2 overweight builders driving a van at 17:48pm on her way home.


Here's an interesting fact: This blog was made up of pictures that were taken in January of 2011. I didn't leave the house today, so didn't take any new photos. These have been sitting on my old computer for over a year now. FUN FACT: That month was possibly the worst month of my life. 

Originally, I cropped this part of the photo and now I can't remember why. I was probably going to say something about the Costa cup. Don't worry, it was probably just something stupid. It's not important. 

At one point in time, I thought it would be a good idea to take a photo of this. The 1st of March 2011 in fact. I only took a photo of of it because I thought "EVEN IF IT IS BAD NEWS" was interesting. I had the idea to phone them up and give them some unrelated bad news. I never did 1) because I didn't have time and 2) because it's fucking stupid. 

I also took a photo of this toilet I saw in a strange Russian Restaurant in London. I have no opinion on it whatsoever.


These photos are trash. And now you've seen them. 

2 Years of Loose Women

If you're thinking of approaching a doctor and telling them that you have never felt comfortable with your biological gender, be warned. When I went, I was told that if I ever planned on becoming a real woman, I would have to watch Loose Women every single time it aired for at least 2 years (with hard proof) 

ONE OF US, ONE OF US.

If you're looking to go the other way, I've heard you'll become quite familiar with this man

After you've completed your 2 years of constant, undisturbed Loose Women viewing, you'll be legally entitled to a years supply of chocolate (paid for through the NHS) Women love chocolate. Currently, I'm on "Cadbury's Fruit & Nut" however I'm told that it's only a precautionary trial. If deemed safe, I will be upgraded to "Galaxy" which is a lot stronger apparently. 

In time you'll be integrated into society and be able to make friends and have a happy life where everyone is nice and accepting. Then you can apply for a job as a secretary/internet webcam model/transsexual porn star and earn money so you can buy your own chocolate. 

B&Q

I have started making podcasts. Short podcasts that will be released at no particular time, but will be frequent. Here is the first one: 

If you have any interest at all in keeping up to date with them, you can either follow it on audioboo, or subscribe to it on itunes:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pig-in-a-wig/id476942489?ign-mpt=uo%3D4

Alternatively, you can get it here too:

http://piginawig.podomatic.com/entry/2012-02-10T13_47_54-08_00

Bye then.

Every Time

Every time a bus driver stops needlessly to chat to another bus driver, a newborn baby dies...

...that may or may not be true, I can't honestly say that I know it for sure. What I do know though, is that when a bus driver stops needlessly to chat to another bus driver, I wish I was dead. Or at least in a coma or something. 

Because London buses as so interminably slow, I can often pass some of the time by taking photos of things that are around me. Sometimes I like to take photos out of the window....

...like this photo of a woman

You can probably deduce from her general blurriness that her body was moving in the opposite direction to my bus. Although, to be honest I can't remember if the bus was moving when I took this, so maybe she's a reptilian shape shifter.

 

In this photo, one man bends over as another man watches over him longingly. Of course, this could easily be taken out of context without any other knowledge of the situation. Although, the camera never lies does it?

I was going to think of more things to say about all the other photos I took today, but instead I'll just post them all underneath and you can think up your own amusing observations. You've seen Michael McIntyre, you should be able to figure it out by now:

And, pencils down. Please send your amusing captions to jennyyellowhat@gmail.com