Psychic Penguins

“Name a penguin who was an impressionist artist”

Firstly, I find it unorthodox that a chocolate bar would ask so much of me. All I want is some cocoa bean related stress relief. Chocolate calms me. I don't want to be ordered to answer questions. I haven't even opened it yet, and I feel like I'm back at school, stressed to the point of wetting myself because I don't understand fractions and I'm being demanded to answer what three fourths is equivalent to. I don't know alright! Leave me alone!

Secondly, I find the question itself troublesome. Name a penguin who was an impressionist artist? Now, I don't doubt a penguins ability to be an artist. Dumber animals have achieved far more. Some dogs can dance. I just find the likelihood of a penguin being able to master something to the level of Monet to be optimistic. It might be able to have a shit on a large piece of card or something. Also, I can't name any penguins. I don't know any personally. I saw one at the London Sea Life Aquarium once, but it didn't tell me it's name, it was too busy being a fucking penguin.

I'm not going to answer your stupid question, because I don't take orders from sub-par chocolate bars. I'm just going to open you and eat you. Stop trying to distract me away from your below adequate taste with riddles. A part of me already knows the answer, like I was told it in a past life. Perhaps a parallel universe or a dream. Or in the most likely scenario, I've already had this one before as they only seem to print about 6 different questions. I can feel the words spill into my mind. Peck. Peck. Peck. Peck-asso. Peck-asso? Picasso? Is that what it means? Is “Peck-asso” supposed to be a play on words relating to the artist Picasso? Do penguins even peck generally? Not all birds are the same are they? A penguin doesn't share all of it's traits with a chicken. Chickens peck, not penguins. It won't say “peck-asso” It couldn't.

It does. Did I mention that penguins taste like shit? 

I have written my own penguin joke. I don't want to brag, but I think it's infinitely better than any joke the Penguin bar company has ever produced. Here it is:

Why are penguins so good at being psychic?

Because they do a lot of cold reading. 

If you would like to hire me to write more jokes for your failing chocolate bars, you can contact me at piginawig@live.co.uk