Dubstep

Free-loading SCUM

It costs £2.30 to ride a London Bus now if you don’t use an Oyster card. So why the fuck does this cheap piece of shit get to do whatever he fucking well wants?

Animals aren’t even allowed on the buses unless they’re guiding a blind person, and even then it’s not certain. This little prick doesn’t seem to be guiding any humans, so he does NOT belong.

But other people don’t care. Look at this woman, completely nonplussed that there’s a fucking free-loader right by her shoulder.

I mean, where the fuck is he going anyway? It’s not like he’s going home, he’s connected to it. He’s not visiting family is he? It was raining, so the likelihood is they’re all dead, under the shoes of business men and women, or decaying beside red elastic bands left by the postman, in puddles of bitter sorrow.

Actually, now that I think about it, that’s quite a horrible life really… This has put things into a different perspective for me. Perhaps he’s just trying to get away from it all. Aren’t we all entitled to that? If this snail has chosen to seek asylum via the 202 bus route from Crystal Palace towards Blackheath Standard, who am I to stop him? I would now even go so far as to say that he should be commemorated fOR his bravery, standing in the face of prejudice and working damned hard for his right to freedom.

I have now completely changed my mind on this poor, young, brave soul. If only more snails were like him. God bless him. I hope that when he gets to wherever it is he’s going to, he’ll be able to send for his family, before the cold boot of the postman obliterates them.

Actually I got off at the last stop, Blackheath, and the snail was still there. It had barely moved. As it was the last stop, the driver most likely would have seen him on his routine clean of the bus and would have probably just killed him with his fist.

Communism

Psychic Today

I’ve given up on mainstream television. I’ve seen this coming for a while now, but what finally did it for me was a line in the channel five program “Cowboy Builders” which aired sometime in the day on 16/04/12 (The whole day was a haze of shit TV and I can’t pinpoint the exact hour)

They were helping out a woman who’s name was Adele. No not the singer Adele! She was a normal person, who doesn’t do much singing (well not as much as the singer Adele anyway, and remember this isn’t the same Adele. They are different Adele’s, with different lives and problems)

Anyway, Melinda Messenger was consoling Adele (Not the singer Adele remember, a normal, common Adele who isn’t rich or famous) Then Melinda’s narration came in. And what it said still shakes me to the very centre of my being.

Melinda: “We’ll sort Adele out, and hopefully she won’t be chasing payments.”

"Thanks, I'll be here all week"

Do you get it? Chasing payments. Sound a bit like, chasing PAVEMENTS doesn’t it? DOESN’T IT?! Yes, it does.

That was it. That single line made something in my brain burn out and now I can no longer enjoy Channel 5 or anything before it ever again. I know that sounds mad, but if I risk watching BBC1, BBC2, ITV1 or Channel 4 ever again, I might accidentally click too far and land myself back onto Channel 5, and I really can’t allow that to happen.

Now that I think about it, the channels just after Channel 5 on the sky package are just as dangerous. I shouldn’t get anywhere near it really. If I want to watch television now, I will only try channels that are at least past the 500 mark. How about… 886?

JACKPOT!

Below is a video about my experience with watching Psychic Today for multiple hours. I feel that it has improved my view of television on the whole and therefore can only be regarded as a positive thing.

Magic

A video, in which I perform an astounding feat of conjuring & illusion.

My Easter

My Easter started with me waking up. I then went downstairs and turned my laptop on. After that, I thought I might do a blog about how I spent my Easter day. First I took a picture of my laptop, to prove it.

Then I realised that to truly document the day, I would have needed to get a picture of myself waking up from beneath the covers of my bed, so I went back upstairs, got back in bed and then took a photo of myself pretending to just wake up

While I was up there, pretending, I noticed that I had a lot of dirty washing. I gathered it all up, took it down stairs and put it in the washing machine.

I then had to make the difficult decision of picking either “synthetic wash” or “eco wash” Noticing that eco wash takes almost twice as long, I went for synthetic. Don’t judge me, I needed the extra time for drying my clothes later.

Next, I left the kitchen and re-entered the living room. I noticed the Easter Eggs which were on the table.

Only two of them were for me, from my sister and dad. I thought about how boring it is to be an adult. I also thought about the fact that I don’t really like Nestle chocolate. I didn’t at any point think about Jesus.

After that, I let the cat out. She wanted to go out regardless of the shit weather, which is more than could be said for me.

After I let the cat out, I came back over to my laptop and sat in front of it. I though that I was getting bored of taking photos of boring, minute details of my day and so thought about bringing the blog to it’s conclusion. I took one more photo, which was a photograph of this paragraph and then uploaded it to the blog.

I then realised that I had made a typing error in the paragraph I took a picture of on the line which was supposed to be “I was getting bored of taking photos…” but was instead “I was getting bored to taking photos…” which makes no sense and isnow unfortunately documented forever in digital photograph. I did go back and edit the original sentence though above it.

Then I decided I was going to go back out to the kitchen to make myself a crisp sandwich.

If anything extraordinary does happen on this Easter 2012, I will make an effort to add it to this blog entry, but for now I think it may have peaked.

Star Struck

It’s a strange thing, being starstruck. I don’t usually get affected by big stars, being one myself. However, the other day when I was riding a bus towards Brighton Marina, you’ll never believe who was sitting in front of me.

Your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed Bjork (Big Time Sensuality Era)

I have no idea what she was doing in Brighton, maybe she was on her way toALDI to pick up some reasonably priced tomato ketchup.

It doesn’t stop there though. On my way back home towards London Bridge, I saw ANOTHER famous person

That’s right. Elton fucking John. I might start up a scrap book collection of all the famous people I’ve spotted.

I’ve also spotted Patsy Palmer in Brighton high-street, but didn’t take a photo of her. So here’s someone else’s photo instead

Advertising Space

I don't know if you've ever been to Kidbrooke station, and how the fuck would I? I don't know anything about you. Regardless, I had to spend about thirty minutes sitting within it. This is the view I had

It felt strange not being encouraged to buy something. I imagined that this is what a world without advertising would be like...

...however, then I wondered if I had been tricked yet again by clever, modern advertising. Perhaps this wasn't just a blank advert board. How could I ever be sure? Maybe it was some kind of statement. 

I bet these shadows aren't even real shadows. They're probably painted on. They probably mean something really profound. Maybe they're band logo's or something? A band called "The Flowerpot Lamp-posts"

I couldn't find a band which matched that exact name, but I did find these guys on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lamppost-bandbd/113522108679807

I put a message on their wall letting them know I'm onto them. I await a reply. 

I've also decided to take the opportunity to use the blank advertising space to advertise myself...

...unfortunately, I spelt my website wrong, so it probably won't have any effect.